Remake This!

Thanks to the vast collection of Hollywood remakes (of varying quality), I had an odd experience this morning driving home from my 3rd shift job and listening to the radio.

Stay with me, this will make sense.

I’m way into 1980’s ballads, probably on a pathological level, and found Night Ranger playing on a 70’s and 80’s station. As I belted out “Sister Christian” in my beat-up 2003 Toyota Corolla, it occurred to me that the last time I heard this awesome hair band song, a hapless teenager got killed in the woods by Jason Voorhes.  I even found myself looking over my shoulder to make sure a hockey-mask wielding psycho wasn’t nearby.  See, in the 2009 remake of “Friday the 13^th”, this oddly out-of-place song was playing on the iPod of a minor character, who wanders off into the woods to meet his demise.  I didn’t catch the 2009 “Friday the 13^th” film in theaters, but I rented it at some point and had mixed feelings.

Nostalgia aside, the movie had promise. It certainly opened with a bang, packing the original two F13 films into the first act.  Once it ventured into new territory, it became every other slasher while re-writing the rules of Jason and his methods.  This is not a review of that film, however.  I just started thinking about it because of that 80’s power ballad. Then it got me to thinking about the many remakes, most of which are so bad I’d rather spend the day watching the Syfy channel and their crappy CGI.  At least they know they’re bad, and wear the badge proudly.

I’m not going to beat up too much on Friday the 13^th. At least they deserve credit for trying something new. They removed his almost supernatural vibe and gave him a more real-world background. In the remake/reboot, he has these underground tunnels that he uses now to sneak around the campground and pop up randomly to catch someone trying to get away.  I miss the old Jason, the one who you couldn’t explain why he just jumps up at the worst moment, and ends the life of some minor character who shouldn’t have been having sex and smoking weed. Overall, the remake was kind of, “meh”. 

For the record, I’m focusing this discussion on horror and B-movie material here. That means “Robocop”, “Total Recall”, and “Magnificent Seven”…you are safe.

I’m mostly disenfranchised with the other ones. “Nightmare on Elm Street”, “Halloween”, “House of Wax”, “Carrie”, I’m talking to you.

Hollywood is fresh out of ideas, it seems.  They keep dipping into the well and re-doing our 70’s and 80’s movies, even to the point some of them are doing it again.  Soon expect yet another Friday reboot, as well as “Halloween”.  The originals were pretty much perfect. Leave them alone.

The only way I’m going to give Friday another dime is if they do a direct continuity proper sequel. Bonus points for bringing back Kane Hodder. He friggin’ IS Jason. I would like to see them even get Corey Feldman to go head-to-head with Jason. That would rock so hard, and it would keep him from making odd music videos for a bit.  Come on, Paramount and New Line, get on this!

As I said, the originals were flawless. Weren’t they? Hmmm, maybe it’s my nostalgia goggles. I did re-watch “Halloween” (1979) a couple of years ago, when it played during the titular holiday. I found it to be highly effective still, with a grainy, almost “found-footage” documentary quality to it that was unsettling. Truth be told, it’s not even that bloody. Were it not for the nudity, the movie could be made today and get maybe a PG-13 in the USA, if not PG.  It’s fairly bloodless, choosing instead to scare you by building an incredible amount of tension, and Jamie Lee Curtis knocks it out of the park with just the right amount of smarts and vulnerability to be likable.

If this were remade today, shot-for-shot, kids probably wouldn’t “get” it. This is a different time, different culture for sure.  Which is why the recent remakes are being made, after all. They are not to take our money; it’s to get the current crop of teens who they are banking hasn’t seen the original.  Thing is, both of my sons (now 20 and 26) have seen the older movies I grew up with, and listened to the music I consider good. My oldest son not only helped write the book on B-Movies, but he is the only millennial with Johnny Cash on his iPod, and my younger son won a trivia contest at 16 when they played snippets of what they called ‘old music’, and he was the only one who knew The Who, Bob Dylan, and The Eagles, because they have an awesome dad, but I digress.

The point is, studios are making these over and over for two reasons. One, it’s because of how copyright works. If a studio does not release a property within a certain number of years, then the rights revert to the original owner. That is why Fox keeps making bad versions of “Fantastic Four”, instead of letting Marvel rescue it, but that’s another blog for another time.  And two, the material gets an updated facelift, bringing the quality up to what kids today expect. My younger son has seen the original “Robocop”, for example, as well as the PG-13 remake, and swears the remake is 100 times better.  Thing is, on a technical level he’s not wrong. The effects and to a degree the acting is better. What’s missing is Verehoven’s pointed social commentary and the extreme violence that made the original stand out.  The remake is created with updated CGI and slick editing; of course, it looks better. The 80’s version was cutting-edge in its time, too, but aesthetically and technically, it just can’t compare.

So…if Hollywood suits are bent on remakes from now until Jesus comes back, here are a few that haven’t been remade, but should be:

·         Creature from the Black Lagoon

Hear me out. The original is great. But Universal has remade every other staple monster except this one. Why? We got Frankenstein, Dracula, Wolf-man, Invisible Man, and the Mummy. Why not the Creature? Technology is available to make him amazing.

·         Killers from Space 

Peter Graves carried the original very well, giving it an air of legitimacy. The first half was actually really good, with a James Bond conspiracy-style story that slowly unraveled. The movie didn’t fall apart until we meet the bug-eyed aliens and awkward force-perspective giant insects.

·         Basket Case

The original was difficult to explain to someone who hadn’t seen it. If any movie deserves a resurrection, this could be it

·         The Valley of Gwangi

This could be done with modern special effects and an all-star cast. It’s a can’t-lose formula: Monsters and cowboys. Wait, Cowboys & Aliens didn’t do so well…

·         Yor, the Hunter from the Future

This movie has it all. Dinosaurs, cave men, UFOs, lasers…a proper remake or follow-up would be great. The original only suffered from odd editing, due to the fact that it was originally a mini-series, and producers cut it together to make a feature-length movie which missed some plot points

I’m sure there are many more examples, but it’s late and I seriously need some rest. Did I miss any? Sound off in the comment section!

-Dax

Strange Invaders (1983)

1983. It was an amazing year for those of us who were born in the early 70’s. We were old enough to appreciate the excessive style of 80’s entertainment.  Everything was over-the-top!  That year, I rocked out to Michael Jackson’s Thriller, saw the last truly good Star Wars movie, and discovered the amazing Wild River Country Park in Little Rock. It was a great time to be a kid.

One of my favorite movie memories from that year came in the form of Strange Invaders.  I didn’t get to see it until it came on HBO, but every time it surfaced my brother and I stopped whatever we were doing to watch.  For one reason or another, this crazy movie mesmerized us.  Naturally, since it was on HBO, it received lots of airtime. The channel even then had a remarkable talent for showing you the same movie over and over. We didn’t complain, though.

Cut to the present. I hadn’t seen it since then, so you can imagine my surprise when I discovered it as part of a DVD collection in the clearance rack in Big Lots.  Oddly enough, Strange Invaders hasn’t aired to my knowledge much at all in 25 years. Granted, it was not Citizen Kane, but still…I mean, they air Pooty Tang for cryin’ out loud.

If you’ve never heard of this, you’re not alone. It ran briefly in the cinema, and then later became a cult hit on cable before being placed in the carbonite chamber and largely forgotten until Big Lots purchased a stack of them from some distributor. It is included with three other movies with “Invaders” or “Invasion” in the title as one of those theme collections. Naturally, I was curious as to whether it measured up to my memories of staying up late to see it every time it aired in 1983.

I wasn’t let down.

Less B-movie, and more of a loving homage to B-movies, Strange Invaders is a fun romp through the genre of Flying Saucer films.  The story involves an Everyman named Charles, who is divorced and lives in the city. He agrees to take his daughter so his ex-wife can go to her home-town on a trip. She doesn’t return, and as movie convention goes, he goes to investigate.  Here, the movie borrows the guy-goes-to-weird-place motif from countless other horror movies.

While there, he discovers a small town full of residents who are stuck in the 50’s. We soon figure out that each resident is not really human, and actually is an alien in human skin.  You see, in the 1950’s saucers came to town and aliens took over. They were only interested in this town, however. Apparently, they want to study humans, possibly for the purpose of later invasion and colonization. Where they failed was they do not understand that human culture is in a constant state of evolution, so although the story takes place in the 80’s, the inhabitants still dress like it’s the 50’s, use 50’s vernacular, and even drive old cars. This gives the town an ambiance that is both retro-cool, and simultaneously creepy.

I’m going to include some important plot points ahead, so if you don’t want any spoilers, this is your fair warning. OK, here goes…

 

Charles Bigelow discovers that his ex-wife is really an alien sent to Earth to learn about the planet, but she loves it and wants to save it. If you’re paying attention, that makes the daughter half-alien. The aliens aren’t real happy with the former Mrs. Bigelow for interbreeding, but take an unnatural interest in the daughter. Charles tries to explain the alien situation to the FBI, but is only treated like he is crazy. He takes his story to a tabloid reporter, played by Nancy Allen. Miss Allen also played in Robocop, as Robocop’s partner. She plays the part with sarcasm and disbelief, until she has a run-in with an alien herself.

She also faces disbelief from her landlord, played by the great Wallace Shawn. He has a marvelous way of playing characters that are high-strung, cocky, and nerdy all at once. If you don’t know who he is, try to remember The Princess Bride, where he is the boss character running around exclaiming, “INCONCEIVABLE!” He always plays the same way; high-pitched, wild-eyed, and hilarious.

At any rate, Charles loses his daughter to the aliens and has to get her back. He and the reporter head back to the mysterious town, only to face resistance from the FBI who really know what’s going on. It seems the aliens have an agreement with the US Government, which has been keeping their existence secret.  Charles makes it to the town anyway, and learns that the alien mother-ship is on its way back to retrieve the inhabitants, including his daughter.

The finale is pretty good, bringing the mother-ship in and letting us see the aliens in all their gooey glory. The daughter saves the day with her Force Lightening abilities, something we didn’t know about until the end. That’s ok, this Deus Ex Machina didn’t bother me because by this point, the movie has already laid the ground rules, which are basically, “Leave your disbelief at the door”.

Special effects are wonderful for a movie made in this era. There are plenty of times when we see the aliens in their normal state, and it can be awesome. The makers used practical effects to show aliens who look human peel their skin off and reveal their true selves. During the finale, we see a whole town full of people walking to the mother-ship, all while their skin oozes off to show their actual appearance. The design is kind of a cross between the typical “greys” with some reptilian features.

Aliens all have Force Lightening abilities, and absolutely hate cars (they blow them up frequently). Another ability they share is the ability to suck the soul out of humans. The effect is kind of alarming, as it resembles a person emptying out like a tube of tooth paste. In addition, the soul, or spirit ball, or whatever it is, floats away and is still sentient. When you see a kid’s energy ball sucked out of his body, you’ll hear his or her voice still saying things, calling out for the parents. I remember this aspect upsetting me a little as an 11-year-old, so maybe this movie is not for little ones, but every parent can make their own judgment.

Strange Invaders borrows from lots of great movies, and does so un-apologetically.  You’ll see bits of Invaders From Mars, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and War of the Worlds. It is not as original or as good as any of those, but it is not meant to be. There is a consistent nudge-and-wink quality that is present, reminding us that this is not a serious character study or statement about the human condition. It serves as a reminder of the movies of yesteryear without devolving into parody. I'm going to rate this one 3 1/2 out of 4, falling just shy of 4 only because it's not totally original, being mostly a salute to several other superior sci-fi films from back in the day. Highly recommended!

Didja Know?

Eagle-eyed fans of the original “Lost in Space”, will spot June Lockhart and Mark Goddard in this movie, as part of its salute to campy cult science fiction shows.