Thursday, April 6, 2017

Remake This!





Thanks to the vast collection of Hollywood remakes (of varying quality), I had an odd experience this morning driving home from my 3rd shift job and listening to the radio.

Stay with me, this will make sense.

I’m way into 1980’s ballads, probably on a pathological level, and found Night Ranger playing on a 70’s and 80’s station. As I belted out “Sister Christian” in my beat-up 2003 Toyota Corolla, it occurred to me that the last time I heard this awesome hair band song, a hapless teenager got killed in the woods by Jason Voorhes.  I even found myself looking over my shoulder to make sure a hockey-mask wielding psycho wasn’t nearby.  See, in the 2009 remake of “Friday the 13th”, this oddly out-of-place song was playing on the iPod of a minor character, who wanders off into the woods to meet his demise.  I didn’t catch the 2009 “Friday the 13th” film in theaters, but I rented it at some point and had mixed feelings.

Nostalgia aside, the movie had promise. It certainly opened with a bang, packing the original two F13 films into the first act.  Once it ventured into new territory, it became every other slasher while re-writing the rules of Jason and his methods.  This is not a review of that film, however.  I just started thinking about it because of that 80’s power ballad. Then it got me to thinking about the many remakes, most of which are so bad I’d rather spend the day watching the Syfy channel and their crappy CGI.  At least they know they’re bad, and wear the badge proudly.




I’m not going to beat up too much on Friday the 13th. At least they deserve credit for trying something new. They removed his almost supernatural vibe and gave him a more real-world background. In the remake/reboot, he has these underground tunnels that he uses now to sneak around the campground and pop up randomly to catch someone trying to get away.  I miss the old Jason, the one who you couldn’t explain why he just jumps up at the worst moment, and ends the life of some minor character who shouldn’t have been having sex and smoking weed. Overall, the remake was kind of, “meh”. 

For the record, I’m focusing this discussion on horror and B-movie material here. That means “Robocop”, “Total Recall”, and “Magnificent Seven”…you are safe.
I’m mostly disenfranchised with the other ones. “Nightmare on Elm Street”, “Halloween”, “House of Wax”, “Carrie”, I’m talking to you.

Hollywood is fresh out of ideas, it seems.  They keep dipping into the well and re-doing our 70’s and 80’s movies, even to the point some of them are doing it again.  Soon expect yet another Friday reboot, as well as “Halloween”.  The originals were pretty much perfect. Leave them alone.
The only way I’m going to give Friday another dime is if they do a direct continuity proper sequel. Bonus points for bringing back Kane Hodder. He friggin’ IS Jason. I would like to see them even get Corey Feldman to go head-to-head with Jason. That would rock so hard, and it would keep him from making odd music videos for a bit.  Come on, Paramount and New Line, get on this!

As I said, the originals were flawless. Weren’t they? Hmmm, maybe it’s my nostalgia goggles. I did re-watch “Halloween” (1979) a couple of years ago, when it played during the titular holiday. I found it to be highly effective still, with a grainy, almost “found-footage” documentary quality to it that was unsettling. Truth be told, it’s not even that bloody. Were it not for the nudity, the movie could be made today and get maybe a PG-13 in the USA, if not PG.  It’s fairly bloodless, choosing instead to scare you by building an incredible amount of tension, and Jamie Lee Curtis knocks it out of the park with just the right amount of smarts and vulnerability to be likable.

If this were remade today, shot-for-shot, kids probably wouldn’t “get” it. This is a different time, different culture for sure.  Which is why the recent remakes are being made, after all. They are not to take our money; it’s to get the current crop of teens who they are banking hasn’t seen the original.  Thing is, both of my sons (now 20 and 26) have seen the older movies I grew up with, and listened to the music I consider good. My oldest son not only helped write the book on B-Movies, but he is the only millennial with Johnny Cash on his iPod, and my younger son won a trivia contest at 16 when they played snippets of what they called ‘old music’, and he was the only one who knew The Who, Bob Dylan, and The Eagles, because they have an awesome dad, but I digress.

The point is, studios are making these over and over for two reasons. One, it’s because of how copyright works. If a studio does not release a property within a certain number of years, then the rights revert to the original owner. That is why Fox keeps making bad versions of “Fantastic Four”, instead of letting Marvel rescue it, but that’s another blog for another time.  And two, the material gets an updated facelift, bringing the quality up to what kids today expect. My younger son has seen the original “Robocop”, for example, as well as the PG-13 remake, and swears the remake is 100 times better.  Thing is, on a technical level he’s not wrong. The effects and to a degree the acting is better. What’s missing is Verehoven’s pointed social commentary and the extreme violence that made the original stand out.  The remake is created with updated CGI and slick editing; of course, it looks better. The 80’s version was cutting-edge in its time, too, but aesthetically and technically, it just can’t compare.

So…if Hollywood suits are bent on remakes from now until Jesus comes back, here are a few that haven’t been remade, but should be:

·         Creature from the Black Lagoon
Hear me out. The original is great. But Universal has remade every other staple monster except this one. Why? We got Frankenstein, Dracula, Wolf-man, Invisible Man, and the Mummy. Why not the Creature? Technology is available to make him amazing.

·         Killers from Space 
Peter Graves carried the original very well, giving it an air of legitimacy. The first half was actually really good, with a James Bond conspiracy-style story that slowly unraveled. The movie didn’t fall apart until we meet the bug-eyed aliens and awkward force-perspective giant insects.

·         Basket Case
The original was difficult to explain to someone who hadn’t seen it. If any movie deserves a resurrection, this could be it

·         The Valley of Gwangi
This could be done with modern special effects and an all-star cast. It’s a can’t-lose formula: Monsters and cowboys. Wait, Cowboys & Aliens didn’t do so well…

·         Yor, the Hunter from the Future
This movie has it all. Dinosaurs, cave men, UFOs, lasers…a proper remake or follow-up would be great. The original only suffered from odd editing, due to the fact that it was originally a mini-series, and producers cut it together to make a feature-length movie which missed some plot points

I’m sure there are many more examples, but it’s late and I seriously need some rest. Did I miss any? Sound off in the comment section!

-Dax