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Star Crash (1979)

During the 1930's, 40's, and 50's, films set in space were truly something to behold.  There were such serials as Flash Gordon, Buck Rogers, and countless others.  Kids marveled at their heroes, often made in the same mold as cowboys or swashbuckling heroes and pirates, only set in space.  But by the 1970's, space-themed science fiction films had devolved into a sort of dry, almost depressing genre.  With examples such as 2001: Space Oddysey, Silent Running, and THX1138, audiences often saw a future that was sterile and, well, sort of boring.  It wasn't until the writer/director of the latter film helmed Star Wars that space adventures could be fun again.  After the unquestionable success of Star Wars in 1977, production companies quickly sought ways to cash in on the popularity of the new film. Perhaps this was the dawn of the era of Mock-busters; films intended to look and sound like some already immensely popular movie, only to pull a bait-and-switch on the audience.  Following Star Wars, we were deluged with many similarly-themed movies, with varying degrees of success.  Some were so bad your eyeballs may bleed (see my review of War of the Robots for a painful example), and some were pretty good facsimiles of the original, such as Battlestar Galactica (the 1979 version by Glen Larson, not the recent reboot/remake).  Somewhere in the middle lies a modest little film from producer Roger Cormen, entitled Star Crash.

The Plot

Star Crash follows the exploits of space outlaws Stella Star and her faithful companion Akton.  Stella Star is played by Caroline Munroe, who fans of Ray Herryhausen's Golden Voyage of Sinbad will recognize.  She plays Stella with unbridled enthusiasm and gusto, kicking lots of butt and taking names. Stella could probably win in a fight with Princess Leia.  Akton is played by Marjoe Gortner, a guy whose real-life story is almost as colorful as the pseudo-jedi character he plays here, but more on that later.  In the opening sequence, we see some ship get attacked by odd red blobs in space. The exact nature of the blobs is mysterious, but is bad enough to warrant launching three escape pods. Afterward, we meet our main stars of the movie, already in trouble.

We find them in the beginning of the film trying to outrun the Space Police, who work for the Emperor of the Galaxy, played with regal presence by the awesome Christopher Plummer.  Star Wars fans take note: the Emperor is a good guy this time around.  Anyway, our smugglers are caught and sentenced to separate penal colonies. Stella decides minutes after arriving at hers that working in a prison camp sucks, and that she is going to escape.  With the aid of a few prisoners, she stages an escape, which results in the deaths of pretty much every prisoner but her, along with the guards. After this mass genocide, we see that her efforts and the deaths of countless innocent people were pretty much in vain, because she is quickly picked up by the Emperor's men, who had a change of heart and need her and Akton to retrieve his son, Prince Simon, and discover the Evil Count Zarth Arn's hidden planet and his super-weapon.
 

She is given two assistants, the guys who captured them initially.  We have the faithful robot Elle (pronounced like the letter "L"), and the bald imposing alien cop Thor.  Elle is kind of an odd character. He looks like the love child of Darth Vader and C-3PO and speaks with a cartoonish southern drawl, kind of along the lines of Yosemite Sam.  He has some of the cheesiest lines in the movie, but is at least useful, such as when Stella is marooned on a Hoth-like planet, freezing to death and Elle uses his technologies to slow her heart rate down or some nonsense. Thor becomes a traitor, and is stopped by Akton, who reveals the depth of his jedi-like powers for the first time.  Their fight scene is hilarious, although that was unintentional, I'm sure.

Our heroes track down three escape pods from the first scene and finally locate Prince Simon.  After a battle with troglodyte cave-men, Stella is rescued by Akton, who now is brandishing a strangely familiar weapon I'm going to refer to from now on as a TNL (Totally Not a Lightsaber).  Once the cave-men are dealt with, we also meet the Prince, played by a pre-Knight Rider David Hasselhoff.  Akton reveals to Stella and The Hoff that they are now on the Unknown Planet, the location of Zarth Arn's super-weapon. How he knows it is an unknown planet is not known. Anyway....

They go deeper into the caverns and locate the machines that Zarth Arn has been using to create the giant red space-blob monsters, and find that they have walked into a trap. See, if only they had also stolen Admiral Akbar from Star Wars they would have known it was a trap, but I digress.  Zarth Arn shows up with his men and two awesome stop-motion robots with swords, explains everything to them, and instead of killing them leaves them alone with the two robots. Akton battles them with his TNL, but is mortally wounded. The Hoff, sorry, Prince Fluffy-hair or whatever the crap his name is, takes up the TNL and finishes off the robots.

Then the Emperor shows up, stops the flow of time for three minutes, and rescues them from the planet, which is about to be destroyed by Zarth Arn.  Yes, I said he stopped the flow of time, and that Zarth Arn's evil plan is to destroy his own flipping planet and super-weapon. Believe it or not, this is where the story gets a little weird.

The emperor and his men launch a spectacular attack on Zarth Arn's space station, I'll call TNAD, for Totally Not a DeathStar...OK, I'll admit that joke has run its course.  At any rate, the Emperor's ship shoots missles which break through the windows of the enemy strong-hold without creating any depressurization issues, but that's not the awesome part. Men pop up out of these torpedoes and do battle with Zarth Arn's army. This movie has so much epic-ness.

Sadly, all the good guys die despite the totally awesome human torpedo plan.  So in a last bid for success, the Emperor reveals that Stella has one last chance to save the day by flying a friggin' city into Zarth Arn's space station. It might have proven helpful to know that was an option sooner, lest your men might live, there, Mister Emperor. Who cares, this movie is awesome, and not to be pondered or ruined by things like logic. Stella saved the day, makes out some with the Hoff, and the movie ends. Wow. OK, there's lots to talk about with this one, so pay attention. There will be a test.

Visuals

One thing this movie has going for it is the visual quality. No, it's not up to Star Wars standards obviously, but it has a tremendous visual style that makes it fun to watch.  Everything available for the day was used. You have bluescreen work, matte paintings, stop motion, models, and more. I'm not simply praising the technical level, but the artistic level. Space shots are unique, with multi-colored stars all around.  A viewer on one forum described this approach by saying in this movie, "Space looks like Christmas," and since I can't describe it any better, I'll steal that statement.

Stop-motion characters abound in this film, from the freaky squid-tentacled thing that sentences our heroes to labor camp, the giant female robot guard (complete with giant metal breasts), to the two robot swordsmen who battle our heroes in the end.  The movie is not only copying, but paying loving homage to the stop-motion film of Harryhausen, to include the Sinbad franchise and others.  If some parts of the movie were amateurish, at least the stop-motion effects were well-conceived and tediously crafted.

Dogfights in space are not bad. The movie gets credit from me for the camera work here. Most films of the era depicted ships from the side only, and have the background plate with stars moving quickly past. Here, the backgrounds are mostly stationary, and ships move toward the viewer at a forced perspective angle, fly overhead, and even bank and turn as they would in much bigger productions.  Lots of model work is used, and blown up with sadistic glee in Star Crash. While some shots were directly copied from the Death Star Run in Star Wars, I think of it as more of a tip of the hat than a direct ripoff.

Sets and costumes are intricate and beautifully crafted as well.  Simply put, this is a gorgeous movie to watch.  The color palette, the set design, and overall look put this Star Wars Knockoff above the rest.

Acting

I give praise to Christopher Plummer because he is grandiose in everything he does. He has played Captain Von Trapp in The Sound of Music, a Klingon general in Star Trek: The Undiscovered Country, and many other memorable roles.  He delivers even the most bizarre dialog in this film with the strong presence and eloquent sincerity that he brings every role, and keeps this film from slipping into self-aware goofiness.  David Hasselhoff is not in this enough to really say too much about. He did alright, playing a heroic character without being too hammy or trying to steal scenes.  Caroline Munroe is pretty good in this, although she is not really required to show much range.  Her character is sort of a blend of Han Solo and Princess Leia. The producers of the film wanted her to wear less and less, but to keep the film marketable, the production company thankfully kept her clothed.

She is pretty, and it is always nice to see characters that show you can be nice-looking and tough, and not need a man to save her. The only complaint with her, acting-wise, is how she seems so darn happy all the time. Everyone goes around with a huge grin in fact. Akton, Zarth Arn, Stella...the only ones who do not are Plummer, who is always focused and serious, and the silly southern-talking robot.  The tone of the movie is just so dog-gone light everyone seems to be having a good time, which you will, too. Keep Star Crash handy for when you are in a bad mood. It will perk you up.

Akton is played with flamboyant energy by the great Marjoe Gortner. Marjoe seemed awfully familiar to me, so I did some research on him and turned up a documentary from the 1970's in which he shows film makers a behind-the-scenes look at traveling evangelicals.  The documentary is highly unsympathetic to people in this trade, focusing on the types who are only in it for the money, making no distinction between seedy fakes and those who genuinely want to share God's love.  It was on this circuit that Gortner honed his stage presence and his ability to keep the interest of anyone watching him. It shows in his performance in Star Crash, as you'll find yourself almost transfixed on him whenever he is on-screen. He is a dynamic presence who commands your attention at all times.  It's a pity he didn't go on and do more movies and television than he did.

Distribution

When this was released in the United States, everyone re-dubbed their lines.  This is not uncommon for a variety of reasons. Many older films were shot without sound, and had to be mixed later. Sometimes, a film is shot with sound, but conditions keep the actors from being clear, so loop recording happens later as well. Everyone dubbed their own lines except Munroe, who producers did not want to spend the money on to fly her to America.  Instead, all of her dialog is recorded by Candy Clark, who was Marjoe Gortner's wife at the time.  Subsequently, on occasion, Stella exclaims things with a slight American Southern twang.

The film is available on DVD as part of Roger Cormen's Cult Classics, sometimes packaged with Battle Beyond the Stars, an inferior Star Wars clone.  This one is highly recommended for lovers of B-Movie sci-fi fare, and may whet your appetite for badly-directed space films until J.J. Abrams finishes the new Star Wars film. Final rating: Four out of four-a perfect blend of science fiction, cheese, and sincerity.

Ninja III: the Domination (1984)

Quick! Who do you think of when you think Ninja films of the 80’s?

If you said Sho Kosugi, you get a gold ninja star! I would also accept Cannon Films, Golan-Globus Productions, or Sam Firstenberg.

Lost? Read on, Grass-hopper…

OK, if you didn’t follow that reference, that’s why I’m here, I’m going to educate you- because I am a giver. My doctor says I’m a carrier, but I digress.  In the 1980’s there was a tremendous surge of ninja films in the United States. Bruce Lee was gone, Chuck Norris was growing in popularity, and martial arts were not quite mainstream.  Yeah, there were karate schools in most major cities. Still, something about the martial arts was still exotic and mysterious.  Then, the Decade of Decadence suddenly exploded with far-fetched action films featuring the seemingly superhuman warrior; the ninja.

Most ninja films that were popular in America featured the Japanese actor Sho Kosugi.  He began his remarkable career in Asia, doubling for actors in many low-budget quickies and perfecting fight choreography before making his mark in the U.S. in several Cannon films.  He embraced the stereotype to the fullest, un-apologetically playing the same type of character each time: the mysterious ninja master, sometimes the good guy, sometimes the villain, but always intimidating and purely awesome.  His fight choreography is typically marked with high-energy acrobatics, flashy kicks, and exotic weaponry. We didn’t know what a ninja was, but he must have been one. Every kid I knew in the mid-80’s owned throwing stars or nunchuks because of Kosugi.

He is most notably remembered for the Ninja trilogy, produced by the Israeli cousins who ruled low-budget Hollywood flicks throughout the eighties, Menahem Golan and Yorem Globus.  Their Cannon Films group had a fool-proof business model built around a simple philosophy: any picture could be made for under $1 million with little-known actors and turn a profit.  The Ninja trilogy was Enter the Ninja, Revenge of the Ninja, and today’s entry Ninja III: The Domination.  The three films all featured Kosugi in a starring role, though they were all unrelated stories.  Each time he played a different character.

In Ninja III, Cannon tried something that hadn’t really been done.  They combined the “possession” horror-movie genre with the ninja genre, with a little bit of dance-movie genre thrown in for good measure.  It was an odd mix to be sure, but fans of each genre were sure to have something for them.  I’ll discuss the film’s specific plot points next, so if you are thinking of checking out the movie on Netflix or YouTube and don’t like spoilers, I suggest you skip the next section, and skip down to the final paragraph…

Ok, here’s your spoiler alert. Consider yourself warned.

How are they not shooting each other?

The film opens on a golf course, where a random rich white guy is attacked and subsequently killed by a mysterious ninja warrior.  Fans of ninja might roll their eyes, as we commonly associate the warriors with stealth, often hiding in the shadows, wearing black, and keeping a generally low profile.  Not this ninja.  He is bold, bad, and seems to want to be seen and feared. He blatantly kills the random yuppie dude out in the open, even slicing up his girlfriend, as well as a plethora of security guys.  He quickly draws the attention of the entire police force, and hacks up most of them, too.  All this over-the-top action takes up the opening 20 minutes of the film, and includes some amazing stunts. It is possibly the greatest movie opening ever.

Tiger regretted hiring his new caddie.

Finally, four of the cops surround the bad guy, shooting him until he throws down a smoke-bomb and mysteriously vanishes. They spread out to look for the assassin, and we discover that he was there the whole time, buried under the sand. He climbs out, and, dying, he gets away and comes across a woman who is a phone company worker, out climbing poles and checking lines.  She tries to help him, noting he is gravely injured. She can’t understand his Japanese babbling, and just before he dies, he gives her his sword.

She takes the sword home, and we later learn it has magic powers, possibly even possessed by the ninja.  Our leading lady, Christie, is played by Lucinda Dickey, who gained fame in dancing movies like Breakin’ as well as Breakin’ 2: Electric Bogaloo.  In those films, she caught the attention of director Sam Firstenberg (as well as millions of love-struck teenage boys), who also directed this film as well as many other ninja films.  Her dancing style fused ballet with hip-hop, which in the early eighties hadn't been seen before.  Not a trained martial artist, her natural athleticism made it possible for her to do most of her own stunts in Ninja III.  Back to the story.

One of the cops who question her after the cop massacre, Billy Secord, follows her around everywhere.  Were he not a good-looking guy, she’d probably say more like he stalks her everywhere.  He shows up at her other job, teaching aerobics in what can only be described as the sleaziest gym ever.  Some creepy guys form the gym follow our heroin outside after class and try to rape her. The group of people just stands idly by doing nothing, which includes officer Secord. Gee, if there were only a law enforcement guy around who could stop these bullies from trying to rape Lucinda Dickey. Oh, well.  As the guys advance on her, she suddenly explodes on them with some amazing karate moves. She makes quick work of the four guys, easily dispatching them, no thanks to creepy-stalker-cop-guy, who watches the whole thing unfold.

Soon, Secord keeps hitting on her while she constantly deflects his creepy advances.  About this time, I’m thinking, “finally-a movie with a strong female lead…something which shows girls you can be strong and sexy, but not need a man”.  Then, as Secord finally gives up, and angrily tells her to get out…she gives in to him. And thus, the women’s movement comes to a grinding halt, leading us to a scene that I guess is supposed to be romantic, but is kind of yucky. She pours V8 juice on herself, which he is supposed to lick off. I don’t know if they were going for a 9 and ½ Weeks vibe or what, but…it was a fail.  Thankfully, the scene cuts away before it devolves any further into soft-core porn.

Christie also begins to succumb to the spirit in the ninja sword, which takes over her body from time to time, sending her out on a quest to find the cops who killed the ninja in the opening.  Every time Christie sees one of the cops out-and-about, she has a flashback of the assassin being shot hundreds of times by the cops, and she quickly runs away, changes into the ninja outfit and hunts the cop down. This pattern occurs several times, and the scenes are laughable.  Lucinda Dickey handles the choreography pretty well, but it’s still difficult to accept that she has super-strength and is able to easily overpower larger men, trained to use guns, but hey-this is only a movie…I’ll suspend some disbelief. 

Finally. The movie's half over, and I "Sho" up.

About the same time in the story, Secord takes Christie to see a Japanese exorcist, played by the great James Hong, from Big Trouble in Little China, as well as about 900 billion other movies requiring an old Asian guy who doesn't mind stereotypes.  He discovers Christie is possessed by an ancient ninja spirit, and that he can’t help her, because, well, “only a ninja can stop a ninja”. Speaking of ninjas, finally Sho Kosugi (you know, the star of the movie) shows up.

He meets some monks, and promptly begins his secret mission to steal back the body of the assassin.  After bringing the body to the temple, he gets after Christie who is in full ninja-mode.  They have a battle that goes from a cemetery to an old warehouse.  The cops arrive and capture Kosugi, and I guess they assume he is the assassin they are looking for. Christie escapes, and Kosugi instructs Secord to bring Christie to the old temple, where he will meet them later. Kosugi then easily escapes the cops and meets them at the temple.  There, they begin the rites to free Christie of the spirit, send the spirit to its old body, and finally we get the showdown we've been waiting for.  The two ninja duking it out, taking the battle through the temple, around some cliffs, and down a steep hill. 

The action is typical Kosugi, fantastic and high-energy.  His acrobatics are not quite on the level of Jackie Chan, but fans of Chan will still appreciate the choreography and stunts.  The evil ninja is played by David Chung, himself an accomplished martial artist.  The fight never reaches the awesomeness that we get in Kosugi’s second entry Revenge of the Ninja, which I will be reviewing at a later time.  Still the battle is exciting, if a little shorter than I felt it should be.  There is plenty of supernatural mayhem, including smoke-bombs, mass hypnotism, and in the movies greatest what-the-crap moment, a ninja drilling into the ground to create an earthquake. You read that correctly.  That alone was worth the price of admission.

The Verdict:

Fans of ninja films will not be disappointed by this one.  There is plenty of action, chases, and stunts to keep even the shortest attention-span movie watchers engaged.  I did not care much for the love story, but will admit that at least this movie was progressive enough that the hero is the girl, and she doesn't need saving by the guy.  Compared to Twilight, this message is much better.  I get the very real sense during this movie that Christie doesn't really need Secord to fulfill her sense of self-worth.  She keeps him around simply because she wants to.  I like that.

None of the characters are really well fleshed-out. Kosugi’s character is your typical ninja good-guy, who is motivated to capture and destroy the evil ninja because he raided his village and cut his eye in a brief cliché-flashback, explaining the eye-patch. That is the extent of his development.

We know absolutely nothing about the evil ninja, other than some gibberish about how he is an ancient warrior, possibly possessed by an old evil spirit.  It is not explained if the ninja himself is just another guy with a spirit that goes from person to person, or he is the spirit.  And we never know why he killed rich white yuppie-guy in the beginning.  We only know he is evil; that is enough.

Secord is likable enough, I guess.  When he is not leering at Christie, he does manage to come off as a pretty cool guy who does care about her, though the relationship developed pretty quickly, even in “movie-time”.  He is not your typical action hero-type who saves the girl. She is pretty tough in this, and at one point in the story almost kills him while he cowers on the floor in a scene where she is being possessed and is trying to fight off the demon’s power.

Lucinda Dickey’s Christie character is tough, sometimes cynical, and strong-willed.  She is just strong enough that she doesn't come across as “butch”, holding onto just enough feminine vulnerability that she manages to walk the line and not be just an action hero, or a damsel-in-distress.  That says a lot about her as an actress who was so much more than an amazing dancer /performer.

This movie is a good, solid action movie that will take you back to B-movie exploitation films of the 70's and 80's. While it is not exactly a cinematic achievement in storytelling or special effects, it does what it does well.  I am a tremendous fan of the ninja genre, and love campy films.  While the movie did mix martial arts, horror, and action, it didn't really go very far in any of those directions.  Unfortunately, it left the film feeling a bit muddled, as though it were suffering an identity crisis.  The formula of mixing horror and martial arts wouldn't be tried again until a few years later with Chuck Norris's Silent Rage (another movie I'll have to review on this site, though I'm having trouble associating Norris with B-movies). I found the viewing experience of this awesome chop-socky 80's flick akin to eating Chinese food; it was satisfying, but an hour later I wanted more.

~Dax

Final Score: 2 out of 4

The Van Damme / Sho Kosugi Connection:

Nope, totally not looking gay

Lucinda Dickey also worked for Sam Firstenberg on Breakin', which featured an extra you might recognize: a young pre-cocaine Jean-Claude Van Damme dancing like a freak in the background.  JCVD made his mark originally in France in the dancing film Rue Barber and showcased his dancing talent before being known as a karate guy. After his rise to fame with Bloodsport he was criminally under-used when he made his only movie with Sho Kosugi called Black Eagle.

More Useless Trivia

Christie has an arcade game in her apartment called Bouncer (More info on Bouncer here). The game was quite rare, and difficult to locate. It is sort of obscure and difficult to find any information on.  In fact, the game was so rare it wasn't officially released.  It was expensive to mass-produce, and had the unfortunate timing of coming out when laser-disc games were all the rage. The game's hardware used a new tech called Real-Image Processing, ironically known as R.I.P.

Godzilla Raids Again (1955)

Following the success of Godzilla, Toho set out to build on its success with a sequel: Godzilla Raids Again. On its own, this film is fun and entertaining, but it lacks the top quality of the original masterpiece. While Godzilla’s image of an atomic threat is still present in this film, the gravely feel of a post-world war climate is gone. Also, half of the camera shots of Godzilla in the film look like cheap hand puppets. And the puppet doesn't look anything like the face on the monster suit! And the face of the suit has a slight grin, giving the monster a less threatening appearance. The deep roar is kept from the original film, as is the overall suit impression.

     What makes this film so unique is that it is the first to feature a one on one monster battle, thus laying the groundwork for the rest of the series. Godzilla’s nemesis is called Anguirus, a mutated Ankylosaurus that too was awoke from nuclear testing. As a result, they fight first on an island, then carry it to Osaka. Again, half of the close-ups of the fight are two hand puppets grappling with each other, so it can be disappointing for some fans looking for a great battle. But it’s still entertaining, and the fight’s conclusion boosts Godzilla’s image as a powerful threat.

     The golden moment of the film is the military’s unique attack on Godzilla, as its jets fire missiles at an icy mountain wall, causing avalanches to bury him. What’s amazing is that the military actually prevails, and the beast is buried. This conclusion also provides viewers with continuity, for this is precisely where they find Godzilla in the next film. But we will get to that in the next review.

Overall, Godzilla Raids Again is a transitional film. It carries the serious gravity of the original Godzilla, but also gives audiences a first glimpse of the cheap monster fights and model sets that the series is so renowned for. With that said, it doesn't deserve the negativity it gets from critics. It’s an old fashioned 50’s monster movie. It’s not supposed to be overly serious or saddening. The film is just good Saturday night fun. I give it 3 out of 4 stars! 

~Seth

Didja Know?

• This is George Takei (of Star Trek fame)'s first film project. 
• Although special effects director Eiji Tsuburya wanted the fights filmed in slow motion, the camera crank operator misunderstood and under-cranked instead of over-cranking. The resulting faster fight scenes won Tsuburya over, and they kept it in the final version.
• Unaware of Godzilla's impending runaway popularity, American producer Paul Schreibman inexplicably changed Godzilla's name to "Gigantis" for the American print!

Godzilla (1954) aka. Gojira (Japan)

By Guest Reviewer Seth Bradley:

A massive storm blows through an island. The villagers are fast asleep, except one family of three. Something is shaking the house, but it’s not the wind. Finally, in a dead panic, the younger brother bolts outside to confront the invader, with the others remaining in the home, doomed to their fate, as the house crumbles around them. An ancient roar rips through the air, as a bipedal behemoth rumbles through the village. The year is 1954, and Japanese audiences have just met Godzilla.

By far, Godzilla (1954) is the best and one of the most influential of all Science Fiction films. Even if you’re not into the big kiddie camp of the Japanese monster movies, this one is a must see! It follows the resurrection of a dinosaur, reawakened by radioactive weapons testing. Suspense fills your mind as a dark and foreboding animal raids through a village in the dead of the night. This is not a misunderstood creature, like the 1998’s Godzilla. This animal has purposely vaporized ships, killing its crew members, for no reason in particular. Sure, it sounds cliché in retrospective, but remember this is still the early 50’s. The film follows Godzilla as he rips through 300,000 volts of electrical wire, wipes out a tank division, and purposely pulls down a tower full of reporters, who annoy him with flash photography. At one point during the raid on Tokyo, he even breathes his trademark radioactive fire on the highway in front of him for no apparent reason. Clearly, this creature is looking for total destruction of Japan, as vengeance for waking him. No creature sympathy here.

The sadness comes into play in the second half of the film, after Godzilla destroys Tokyo. The city’s survivors are being corralled into field hospitals. As the camera pans over the miserable scene, you hear a baby crying somewhere in the background, reminding viewers that even the innocence of children were destroyed, along with homes and lives.

Before you start to say how silly and unrealistic a guy in a rubber suit looks on screen, I have to say in advance that the director actually made Godzilla look better in a suit than in stop motion, for the suit’s movements are slow and lumber some, as if he were actually a thousand tons.Another cool trick is that most monster scenes are shot with a low camera angle, so the audience feels like it’s looking up at something tall and massive, and not just a six foot tall guy in a suit The pitch-black night sky also casts a little darkness on the suit, hiding some of the less convincing prosthetics. One noteworthy feature is that this Godzilla design sports a pair of blank, crazed-looking eyes that stare down wildly at the fleeing people. It also has a pair of fangs, jutting out from his top jaws, like a viper. Its roar also has a much deeper pitch than the later models, giving it the sense of something powerful and angry. The sound of Godzilla’s roar was conceived by rubbing a pair of resin gloves across a bass violin, then slowing down the sound when the recording was played. 

The big G is the grand-daddy of the many giant-monster-destroys-city genre, and its influence can still be felt, including in the upcoming Pacific Rim.  This dark intro to the series is still the best, and highly recommended. Four out of Four.

(Editor's note: Did you know the director of this film, Ishiro Honda, also directed The Mysterians, as well as many other movies in this category. See the review here.)

Yor, the Hunter From the Future

Yor, the Hunter from the Future struck with a vengeance in 1983.  It is widely considered to be one of the most enjoyable bad movies ever made, especially among my generation-kids of the 80’s.  Part prehistoric adventure, part sci-fi, and all fun, this beast of a movie has it all for fans of campy B-movie fare: a silly plot (and I use that term loosely), questionable acting, hilariously bad dialog, and laughable effects.  These components are not meant in a derogatory way; it’s part of the immense charm.  Without movies of this stature, I would probably be writing about something boring!

Our movie follows the exploits of Yor, a barbarian hero who travels around bearing a constant wide grin and toting an axe, which he uses frequently when he crosses dinosaurs, giant bats, and purple cavemen, while on a quest to discover his people. I will discuss the film with specific plot points, so if you do not want to read any spoilers…you are probably at the wrong site.  You should skip to the bottom of the article where I grade the film.  Suffice to say, you should locate a VHS or burned copy of this ASAP, especially if you enjoy movies like those you would see on a typical episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

The choppy narrative of the film is often attributed to it originating as a mini-series in Europe, and then edited down to its theatrical length.  While I have not confirmed this, it would explain the odd tone and pace of the story.  As he marches around, he meets up with a clan of hapless but friendly cavemen.  They are being attacked by a triceratops, which is actually an herbivore, but go figure.  He swings his axe, and saves the day.  In return for saving them, he is granted a new wife, in the form of Ka-laa, played with great 80’s big-hairiness by Corrine Clery. Yor travels around with her and her adoptive father for the rest of the movie, encountering strange and entertaining threats.

At one point, our hero gets in a skirmish with the purple cavemen, who steal Ka-laa in hopes to populate their purple clan with beautiful big-haired people I guess. Yor and Ka-laa’s guardian Pag try to figure out a way into their cavern without being overwhelmed.  As fate (and script) would have it, they are attacked by a giant bat creature. They shoot an arrow at it, and it dies immediately, falling to the earth with instant rigor mortise.   Yor gets an inspiring idea, and what follows is perhaps the greatest single scene in movie history.

Yor decides to hoist the dead rigor mortise bat over his head and use it like a hang-glider to enter the cavern, taking the cavemen by surprise and kicking much butt to the tune of his awesome theme song.  I love that.  I wish that every time I did something epic, I’d have my own theme song blaring. He flies in, and all you hear is “YOR’s WORLD! HE’S THE MAAAAN! YOR’S WORLD!”  If the energy of hearing your own theme doesn't inspire you to accomplish great things, something is wrong with you!

I won’t divulge the whole movie in this review, but I have to tell you about the final act. Yor and his friends travel to a mysterious island to search for clues about his origins.  While there, he encounters The Overlord, who runs things with his army of androids.  These guys look like a love child between Darth Vader and one of his Storm Troopers.  Yor battles the Overlord, who we’re told is the bad guy, although, come to think of it, I never really saw him to anything particularly evil.  We just know he has a dark cloak, and a beard; so, these two factors are enough to communicate to audiences that he is the bad guy.

Yor and his friends meet up with some other blond good-looking people who are decedents of his relatives.  They stage an uprising, and Yor and his caveman friends demonstrate an amazing mastery of futuristic weapons and technology, firing laser cannons and using time-bombs as if they were trained by Seal Team Six. Hey, if you’re looking for logic you are not in the right place! Yor has to swing across a chasm to deliver the bomb which is going to go off in 8 minutes. Unfortunately, he lets the cable he swung on go, and can’t swing back.  What follows here is the second most awesome scene ever, right behind the bat-glider incident.

Gal, despite being in his 60’s, grabs the cable and literally swings out to Yor, and flips upside down, allowing Yor to jump out and grab his wrists. They swing back, land safely, and Gal flips back up and jumps down, too.  This movie is flipping awesome.  Naturally, they escape just in time to not be blown up, and the narrator tells us how they live happily ever after, but he doesn't tell us how the caveman knows how to fly the star ship. Who cares, this movie is the greatest thing ever.

Yor was played by Reb Brown, a former athlete who boxed professionally and also played football at USC.  Here, he kind of looks like a cross between Steve Oedekerk from “Kung Pow” and He-Man from Masters of the Universe.  His acting is not real deep, but it is not a requirement in this project. He handles action scenes well, and is likable.  The film was directed by Antonio Marghereti, a prolific film maker who is also known for “War of the Planets” and “Hercules Against Karate”….man, how have I not reviewed that last one? Note to self: Locate “Hercules Against Karate”, like, now.  Marghereti made too many movies to list here, and his influence is wide, as noted by Quinten Tarantino’s film “Inglorious Basterds”, when a character shouts ‘Marghereti!  Marghereti!”.  It’s kind of a subtle reference, kind of a gift for the small group of the population who even know who that is.

Overall, this movie is great.  It has everything for people like me who like Bad Cinema.  It is mostly clean, with some bloody violence involving Yor hacking up the occasional dinosaur, but violence with other humans is fairly bloodless.  My only beef is the way some of the characters dress.  Their loin cloths do not hide much, so you see a little more of Yor than you would probably like to when he jumps around. It’s not anything you don’t see at the beach, but…yikes, it’s not my thing. Oddly enough, the women are better covered than he is.  The special effects are about what you would expect from a low-budget indie movie.  The dino’s are animatronic, and the sci-fi elements are pretty basic; not the same level you’d see in Star Wars, that’s for sure.

Still, I’d recommend this to anyone who is already a fan of B-Movie’s with a sci-fi/fantasy theme. 3 out of 4.

Strange Invaders (1983)

1983. It was an amazing year for those of us who were born in the early 70’s. We were old enough to appreciate the excessive style of 80’s entertainment.  Everything was over-the-top!  That year, I rocked out to Michael Jackson’s Thriller, saw the last truly good Star Wars movie, and discovered the amazing Wild River Country Park in Little Rock. It was a great time to be a kid.

One of my favorite movie memories from that year came in the form of Strange Invaders.  I didn’t get to see it until it came on HBO, but every time it surfaced my brother and I stopped whatever we were doing to watch.  For one reason or another, this crazy movie mesmerized us.  Naturally, since it was on HBO, it received lots of airtime. The channel even then had a remarkable talent for showing you the same movie over and over. We didn’t complain, though.

Cut to the present. I hadn’t seen it since then, so you can imagine my surprise when I discovered it as part of a DVD collection in the clearance rack in Big Lots.  Oddly enough, Strange Invaders hasn’t aired to my knowledge much at all in 25 years. Granted, it was not Citizen Kane, but still…I mean, they air Pooty Tang for cryin’ out loud.

If you’ve never heard of this, you’re not alone. It ran briefly in the cinema, and then later became a cult hit on cable before being placed in the carbonite chamber and largely forgotten until Big Lots purchased a stack of them from some distributor. It is included with three other movies with “Invaders” or “Invasion” in the title as one of those theme collections. Naturally, I was curious as to whether it measured up to my memories of staying up late to see it every time it aired in 1983.

I wasn’t let down.

Less B-movie, and more of a loving homage to B-movies, Strange Invaders is a fun romp through the genre of Flying Saucer films.  The story involves an Everyman named Charles, who is divorced and lives in the city. He agrees to take his daughter so his ex-wife can go to her home-town on a trip. She doesn’t return, and as movie convention goes, he goes to investigate.  Here, the movie borrows the guy-goes-to-weird-place motif from countless other horror movies.

While there, he discovers a small town full of residents who are stuck in the 50’s. We soon figure out that each resident is not really human, and actually is an alien in human skin.  You see, in the 1950’s saucers came to town and aliens took over. They were only interested in this town, however. Apparently, they want to study humans, possibly for the purpose of later invasion and colonization. Where they failed was they do not understand that human culture is in a constant state of evolution, so although the story takes place in the 80’s, the inhabitants still dress like it’s the 50’s, use 50’s vernacular, and even drive old cars. This gives the town an ambiance that is both retro-cool, and simultaneously creepy.

I’m going to include some important plot points ahead, so if you don’t want any spoilers, this is your fair warning. OK, here goes…

 

Charles Bigelow discovers that his ex-wife is really an alien sent to Earth to learn about the planet, but she loves it and wants to save it. If you’re paying attention, that makes the daughter half-alien. The aliens aren’t real happy with the former Mrs. Bigelow for interbreeding, but take an unnatural interest in the daughter. Charles tries to explain the alien situation to the FBI, but is only treated like he is crazy. He takes his story to a tabloid reporter, played by Nancy Allen. Miss Allen also played in Robocop, as Robocop’s partner. She plays the part with sarcasm and disbelief, until she has a run-in with an alien herself.

She also faces disbelief from her landlord, played by the great Wallace Shawn. He has a marvelous way of playing characters that are high-strung, cocky, and nerdy all at once. If you don’t know who he is, try to remember The Princess Bride, where he is the boss character running around exclaiming, “INCONCEIVABLE!” He always plays the same way; high-pitched, wild-eyed, and hilarious.

At any rate, Charles loses his daughter to the aliens and has to get her back. He and the reporter head back to the mysterious town, only to face resistance from the FBI who really know what’s going on. It seems the aliens have an agreement with the US Government, which has been keeping their existence secret.  Charles makes it to the town anyway, and learns that the alien mother-ship is on its way back to retrieve the inhabitants, including his daughter.

The finale is pretty good, bringing the mother-ship in and letting us see the aliens in all their gooey glory. The daughter saves the day with her Force Lightening abilities, something we didn’t know about until the end. That’s ok, this Deus Ex Machina didn’t bother me because by this point, the movie has already laid the ground rules, which are basically, “Leave your disbelief at the door”.

Special effects are wonderful for a movie made in this era. There are plenty of times when we see the aliens in their normal state, and it can be awesome. The makers used practical effects to show aliens who look human peel their skin off and reveal their true selves. During the finale, we see a whole town full of people walking to the mother-ship, all while their skin oozes off to show their actual appearance. The design is kind of a cross between the typical “greys” with some reptilian features.

Aliens all have Force Lightening abilities, and absolutely hate cars (they blow them up frequently). Another ability they share is the ability to suck the soul out of humans. The effect is kind of alarming, as it resembles a person emptying out like a tube of tooth paste. In addition, the soul, or spirit ball, or whatever it is, floats away and is still sentient. When you see a kid’s energy ball sucked out of his body, you’ll hear his or her voice still saying things, calling out for the parents. I remember this aspect upsetting me a little as an 11-year-old, so maybe this movie is not for little ones, but every parent can make their own judgment.

Strange Invaders borrows from lots of great movies, and does so un-apologetically.  You’ll see bits of Invaders From Mars, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, and War of the Worlds. It is not as original or as good as any of those, but it is not meant to be. There is a consistent nudge-and-wink quality that is present, reminding us that this is not a serious character study or statement about the human condition. It serves as a reminder of the movies of yesteryear without devolving into parody. I'm going to rate this one 3 1/2 out of 4, falling just shy of 4 only because it's not totally original, being mostly a salute to several other superior sci-fi films from back in the day. Highly recommended!

Didja Know?

Eagle-eyed fans of the original “Lost in Space”, will spot June Lockhart and Mark Goddard in this movie, as part of its salute to campy cult science fiction shows.

The Dragon Lives Again (1977)

Today's entry marks the first of its kind in this blog. I've always been a die-hard fan of martial arts films, but not all martial arts movies fit the B-Movie category. There are sub-genres of martial arts films, including sports/tournament movies, ninja flicks, and standard Shaw Brothers kung-fu films. To better explain which ones fit the bill, I'll give a small history lesson for the uninitiated.

The martial arts world was stunned in 1973 when Bruce Lee died at the age of 32.  He had just begun to make traction in America as an actor, having made Enter the Dragon which established his strength as a leading man in a US production. Fans in Asia already knew about this enigmatic and unique performer because of Fist of Fury, The Big Boss, and Way of the Dragon.  His unfortunate and untimely death left a serious void in a genre largely defined by his presence.

In a mad rush to fill that void, producers scrambled to find the "next Bruce Lee", hiring anyone and everyone who looked even a little like him. Monikers that sounded similar were assigned: Bruce Le, Bruce Li, Dragon Lee, and many others. The influx of new movies designed to whet the appetite of moviegoers were quickly and cheaply produced, often on the fly, with varying levels of quality. Fans of the real Bruce Lee, who had only been treated to a few movies during his meteoric rise, found themselves watching such films as Exit the Dragon, Enter the Tiger, Fist of Fury II, and Bruce Lee Fights From Beyond the Grave.

This proliferation even birthed a new genre: Bruceploitation. This group of films, in my opinion, falls well within the bounds of B-Movie consideration. Most of the examples from this genre are pretty awful. They were made for one purpose only; to capitalize on Bruce Lee's death. The irony is that in some cases, the stars were decent performers or martial artists in their own right. They were simply misled by directors who wanted to try to reproduce Bruce Lee. In today's example, the star is Bruce Leong, who belongs to that category. He was a great kicker, and had enough charm of his own that would have allowed him to be another martial arts movie star. Sadly, he was forced to imitate Lee, which he did very poorly. He doesn't even look like him.

The movie is called The Dragon Lives Again, aka Deadly Hands of Kung Fu. The basic plot is as follows: Bruce Lee dies, goes to Hell, and has to fight a series of bad guys from popular culture. They include Dracula, zombies, The Godfather (I'm not kidding), James Bond (still not kidding), and Clint Eastwood, whose appearance is inexplicable given he is not dead.  I should mention here that the actors playing these parts are all Chinese except Bond. This was made 20 years before British rule ended in Hong Kong, so anti-Brit feelings were still in full effect. Bond pretty much had to be a bad guy, and played by an Englishman.

Fortunately for Bruce, he has some help in the underworld, in the form of Popeye the Sailer Man, also played by a Chinese guy, which alone is worth the price of admission. This storyline blatantly took as many copyrighted characters as possible and threw them all together. From what I can figure, the only reason the movie makers didn't have their pants sued off is because of how copyright law doesn't apply when the material is clearly a porody. The film establishes its tone as a spoof right away, opening with a 007-style credit intro, with 'Bruce' fighting different characters in humorous ways, bringing to mind the opening of all the classic Pink Panther movies.

 

I watched this movie constantly wondering what pop culture character was going to turn up next, and where the plot would take it. We have the previously mentioned characters, plus the one-armed warrior (popular in multiple films in Asia), the blind old master (another Chinese cinematic archetype) and even Emmanuelle, the subject of European porn movies of the 70's. yes, Bruce Lee fights a porn star in the underworld. Nowhere else on earth will you say that sentence, I believe.

The ridiculousness of this movie actually is its selling point. You can't help but wonder what will happen next. Nothing is sacred, and nothing is politically correct. Also, you haven't lived until you've seen an Asian person try to pull of Eastwood.

The plot centers around Bruce encountering the gang of evil underworld inhabitants who all work for The Godfather. The evil gang is involved in a plan to overthrow the king of the underworld, who isn't Satan but a guy in a kingly outfit. Having Lucifer in this would tie it into a Christian belief system, which doesn't fit in Chinese movies. In fact, I'm not sure there's a hell in Buddhism, or if the underworld is called that simply because I watched an English dub, and that was the closest approximation. At any rate, Bruce becomes something of a local hero in the underworld, rallying everyone together to stand up for themselves. Apparently the dead have been brow-beaten by the Godfather and his undead thugs, and now they are taking stock in themselves and standing up to the man.

To be honest, this movie doesn't just enter the world of nonsensical craziness, it embraces it with unholy relish. The logic and overall style are so far off the deep end, you can't help but keep watching.  The only stuff I skipped over was the unnecessary nudity which popped up from time to time. The king and his concubine bathe frequently, and for no reason to support the plot. The Emmanuelle character tries to bed every male in the story, which is not only implied but shown a couple of times. If you wish to avoid gratuitous nudity as I do, you might want to keep the 'skip' button handy, as this movie does go there several times.

The fights aren't bad. Leong is a skilled martial artist in his own right, and pulls off some flashy kicks, actually better than most Lee imitators. He also is an amazing jumper, actually leaping over a couple of bad guys without wire work. He also choreographed all the action in this film, and handles humor in his fight scenes in much the way we're used to seeing Jackie Chan.  He also dazzles with the use of nunchucks, demonstrating great control. He looks as though he is actually hitting people when he is actually only coming VERY close.  Cinematography is so-so, and the sets are pretty generic, with decent coloring. The backgrounds are mostly red, highlighting the otherworldly tone.  Music is credited to Frankie Chan, although 95% of the score was pulled from other movies, most notably Enter The Dragon as well as the Bond films.

Bottom line, if you need to kill an hour and 20 minutes or so on mindless fun, this could be your ticket. I had a good time, save for the occasional nudity, which keeps it from being a movie you could watch with kids around.  This is available at the moment on youtube, though I don't know if it's in the Public Domain or not, so it may be pulled before long. It is also available as part of a 2-disc set called The Dragon Returns with other titles.

I give this 3 out of 4, keeping in mind that I am judging it against other Bruceploitation flicks.

DIDJA KNOW?

 



 Bruce Leong, also known by his proper name Siu-Lung Leong, was banned by the Chinese government, which exercises total control over film-making in Communist China. He went to China to appeal to the government to reverse the ruling, which offended fans in his native Taiwan. They stopped following him since he "sucked up" in their eyes, causing his popularity to fade by 1990. For years, he didn't appear in anything until showing up in 2004's Kung Fu Hustle as the bad guy.