Thanks to the vast collection of Hollywood remakes (of
varying quality), I had an odd experience this morning driving home from my 3rd shift job and
listening to the radio.
Stay with me, this will make sense.
I’m way into 1980’s ballads, probably on a pathological
level, and found Night Ranger playing on a 70’s and 80’s station. As I belted
out “Sister Christian” in my beat-up 2003 Toyota Corolla, it occurred to me
that the last time I heard this awesome hair band song, a hapless teenager got
killed in the woods by Jason Voorhes. I
even found myself looking over my shoulder to make sure a hockey-mask wielding psycho
wasn’t nearby. See, in the 2009 remake
of “Friday the 13th”, this oddly out-of-place song was playing on
the iPod of a minor character, who wanders off into the woods to meet his
demise. I didn’t catch the 2009 “Friday
the 13th” film in theaters, but I rented it at some point and had
mixed feelings.
Nostalgia aside, the movie had promise. It certainly opened
with a bang, packing the original two F13 films into the first act. Once it ventured into new territory, it
became every other slasher while re-writing the rules of Jason and his methods. This is not a review of that film, however. I just started thinking about it because of
that 80’s power ballad. Then it got me to thinking about the many remakes, most
of which are so bad I’d rather spend the day watching the Syfy channel and
their crappy CGI. At least they know
they’re bad, and wear the badge proudly.
I’m not going to beat up too much on Friday the 13th.
At least they deserve credit for trying something new. They removed his almost
supernatural vibe and gave him a more real-world background. In the
remake/reboot, he has these underground tunnels that he uses now to sneak
around the campground and pop up randomly to catch someone trying to get
away. I miss the old Jason, the one who
you couldn’t explain why he just jumps up at the worst moment, and ends the
life of some minor character who shouldn’t have been having sex and smoking
weed. Overall, the remake was kind of, “meh”.
For the record, I’m focusing this discussion on horror and
B-movie material here. That means “Robocop”, “Total Recall”, and “Magnificent
Seven”…you are safe.
I’m mostly disenfranchised with the other ones. “Nightmare
on Elm Street”, “Halloween”, “House of Wax”, “Carrie”, I’m talking to you.
Hollywood is fresh out of ideas, it seems. They keep dipping into the well and re-doing
our 70’s and 80’s movies, even to the point some of them are doing it again.
Soon expect yet another Friday reboot, as well as “Halloween”. The originals were pretty much perfect. Leave
them alone.
The only way I’m going to give Friday another dime is if
they do a direct continuity proper sequel. Bonus points for bringing back Kane
Hodder. He friggin’ IS Jason. I would like to see them even get Corey Feldman
to go head-to-head with Jason. That would rock so hard, and it would keep him
from making odd music videos for a bit. Come
on, Paramount and New Line, get on this!
As I said, the originals were flawless. Weren’t they? Hmmm,
maybe it’s my nostalgia goggles. I did re-watch “Halloween” (1979) a couple of
years ago, when it played during the titular holiday. I found it to be highly
effective still, with a grainy, almost “found-footage” documentary quality to
it that was unsettling. Truth be told, it’s not even that bloody. Were it not
for the nudity, the movie could be made today and get maybe a PG-13 in the USA, if not PG. It’s fairly bloodless, choosing instead to
scare you by building an incredible amount of tension, and Jamie Lee Curtis
knocks it out of the park with just the right amount of smarts and
vulnerability to be likable.
If this were remade today, shot-for-shot, kids probably
wouldn’t “get” it. This is a different time, different culture for sure. Which is why the recent remakes are being
made, after all. They are not to take our money; it’s to get the current crop
of teens who they are banking hasn’t seen the original. Thing is, both of my sons (now 20 and 26)
have seen the older movies I grew up with, and listened to the music I consider
good. My oldest son not only helped write the book on B-Movies, but he is the
only millennial with Johnny Cash on his iPod, and my younger son won a trivia
contest at 16 when they played snippets of what they called ‘old music’, and he
was the only one who knew The Who, Bob Dylan, and The Eagles, because they have
an awesome dad, but I digress.
The point is, studios are making these over and over for two
reasons. One, it’s because of how copyright works. If a studio does not release
a property within a certain number of years, then the rights revert to the
original owner. That is why Fox keeps making bad versions of “Fantastic Four”,
instead of letting Marvel rescue it, but that’s another blog for another time. And two, the material gets an updated
facelift, bringing the quality up to what kids today expect. My younger son has
seen the original “Robocop”, for example, as well as the PG-13 remake, and
swears the remake is 100 times better.
Thing is, on a technical level he’s not wrong. The effects and to a
degree the acting is better. What’s missing is Verehoven’s pointed social
commentary and the extreme violence that made the original stand out. The remake is created with updated CGI and
slick editing; of course, it looks better. The 80’s version was cutting-edge in
its time, too, but aesthetically and technically, it just can’t compare.
So…if Hollywood suits are bent on remakes from now until
Jesus comes back, here are a few that haven’t been remade, but should be:
·
Creature
from the Black Lagoon
Hear me out. The original is great. But
Universal has remade every other staple monster except this one. Why? We got
Frankenstein, Dracula, Wolf-man, Invisible Man, and the Mummy. Why not the
Creature? Technology is available to make him amazing.
·
Killers
from Space
Peter Graves carried the original very
well, giving it an air of legitimacy. The first half was actually really good,
with a James Bond conspiracy-style story that slowly unraveled. The movie didn’t
fall apart until we meet the bug-eyed aliens and awkward force-perspective
giant insects.
·
Basket
Case
The original was difficult to explain to
someone who hadn’t seen it. If any movie deserves a resurrection, this could be
it
·
The
Valley of Gwangi
This could be done with modern special
effects and an all-star cast. It’s a can’t-lose formula: Monsters and cowboys.
Wait, Cowboys & Aliens didn’t do so well…
·
Yor, the
Hunter from the Future
This movie has it all. Dinosaurs, cave men,
UFOs, lasers…a proper remake or follow-up would be great. The original only
suffered from odd editing, due to the fact that it was originally a
mini-series, and producers cut it together to make a feature-length movie which
missed some plot points
I’m sure there are many more examples, but it’s late and I
seriously need some rest. Did I miss any? Sound off in the comment section!
